Laziness

Posted 1:10 PM by sean
Some things that people say stick with me. It isn't generally the stuff you might think. Maybe it's the actor training in me, but when people try to say stuff and they put on that "Hey, sit 'pon my knee and listen" face, I turn right the fuck off. My problem with authority, I guess.

Anyway, some years ago, I was asking Michelle how a friend of hers could be so stupid (she was dating a crappy guy? I don't remember. I don't even remember what friend) and Michelle said, "Everyone always knows the truth about everything, we just chose to believe the lies we tell ourselves."

Some guy comes up and talks to you. Says he's got tickets to the Grammys. You tell him you just want to be friends, he's like, "Yeah! Of course! I mean, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I have this extra ticket..."

So, the truth is, he has two tickets, or not, and he's got a girlfriend that he *hasn't* broken up with and he's pissed that you don't want to sleep with him just because he *says* he has tickets... etc. You know the truth of this.

Anyway, at one point I said something about me being lazy in front of my sister Tessa and she, offhanded, said, "I don't really believe in 'lazy', I think it's almost always just 'fear'". This has stayed with me as *massively* profound, probably much more so than she meant it. (It's also made me re-assess her husband as "the most scared mother fucker on the planet", but that's a whole 'nother thing...)

(I kid! I kid... because I *love*...)

So, for the last month or so, I have had to overcome my fear of rejection on a number of levels, and I'm not just talking about my nightly pursuits of Jordana, chasing her around the room stark naked while she whips at me with a wet towel. No, I've been applying for jobs, everywhere and anywhere I can.

Doing this online is actually pretty fun. It's the thing about email and even this blog. It's totally insanely not personal. My resume is good, but there isn't a single lie on it. My expectations are my real expecations. When they asked me to describe my dream job I actually said in the middle of my description "a place where my talents and skills will be required on a daily basis to challenge and stimulate the people I work with to a higher level of success." It's true, I want that.

I mean, they asked, right?

I wish there was some way I could audition for plays online. They email me the script and I write back saying what I would do with it, and they cast me. I can handle rejection, as long as it's done from a long long way away.

Life-loves

Posted 10:39 AM by sean


I'm not interested in trying to explain how you know when it's right. For everyone it's a different thing. I'm sure for a lot of women it's that *this guy* hits them in the nose with a special sort of attention to detail that the other guys who've hit them in the nose don't deliver.

And sure, I have actually thought it was right before. I've tethered this rickety ship to awesome gorgeous boats before, boats that wanted to go a different speed than I did, particularly when the water was dangerous.

But I feel right, right now, and I think I can explain why. The people that have agreed to surround me fulfill a specific set of requirements, and although it's true for everyone, the best example is my friend Mac.

I really want to explain what Mac means to me, but it is almost as difficult as describing my relationship with my fiance. In a way, Mac and I entered into a three way marraige with our friend Steve 8 or 9 years ago. The kind of laughing that men do when they find their friends is incomparable. You guys out there, you have friends like this, the ones that make you laugh so hard that your cheeks hurt and your lungs burn.

It isn't a joke that we make, there's no phone catch-phrase. In fact, we're terrible on the phone. It's our lives. Mac and I have gotten to the point where our fondness for one another is so deep that we see our own suffering through the each other's eyes, and that suffering becomes funny. If you heard us talking, nothing we said would seem to deserve how hard we are laughing.

There is a picture somewhere of Mac and I walking out of the ocean. He's tall, skinny, white, I'm short, fat, covered in hair. We look like two different species. We usually make a great show of our differences. He's neurotic, I'm explosive. He's repressive, I'm aggressive. He's a scholar, I'm a punk...

But the truth is, we are really really similar and we make a great show of our slight differences. We are actually both repressed, both manic learners but bad students, both more talented and shy than we are demanding and marketable. There is a brotherhood of humility and arrogance that I share with almost all my friends, but Mac and I are the embodiment of it.

A week or so ago, I found out I lost a job that could have changed my life. When these things happen to me, I tend to think of them as reasonable. But every time something bad happens to one of my friends, I'm not just sad for them, I'm disappointed in the world. And when disappointments happen to my closest friends, I just get incensed. The world will recognize what it's being given, I know that, and I will just continue to push forward until it does.

Fast Foto Fun

Posted 2:38 PM by sean
Yeah, I don't have time to write anything, so here's a photo record of what I've been up to.

This is me first thing this morning.

Insomnia is sometimes useful. I've been spending the hours trolling for work online, so that saves the hours when everyone is awake to do fun stuff. Like this...


We are all getting married in the next six or seven months, so Jordana's cousins have been taking dance classes with us. It's funner than you might think. Unless, of course, you think it's really really fun. Really really fun is drinking with my friends. Like this...



Yeah, that the minister at our wedding trying to tongue the bride. That's sort of how it happens when you whip out the funky cold medina. It was nice being able to drink my way through the flu that's being passed around, I think I made my body inhospitable enough that no illness made its way in. Jordana was really sick. Not that you can tell from this...


I'll write more when I have good news.